OMFG.. I LOVE POKEMON..

I'm really surprised..

.. at the fact of everyone who can't accept the fact that i'm just being friendly sending messages to everyone
like im happy the people who are cheery enough to do it will respond with cheer..
but there are others.. that i know won't respond because im such a stanger..
does it really matter?
im trying to be nice..
etc etc.

im so sick of waking up without a thought of romance, or love.
i miss the days where i could wake up and know there would be someone out there who thinks about me and cares for me, and has REAL feelings for me.
its just such a great feeling to know that im that special to someone.. and that i make them feel the same way..
i have to admit my past relatonship was a blast.. but i was too childish..
and i know now how i must be.. mature.. a serious relationship that most girls want now a days.
ill give her what she needs what she wants like i always would.. but i wouldn't go to the extent of spending all my money like theres no tomorrow.
yes maybe i have been denying it to myself.. i do feel lonely.. VERY lonely.
and i try to avoid it.. but it really isn't happening.. i just realy wish i did have someone to care for.. someone i can spend my life on.
If im not doing it, my life feels like such a waste..
I have been doing things for myself.. and i am getting where im going..
but its just not satisfying enough to live on..
i keep thinking about.. DREAMING about being with someone, and when i wake up.. all i want to do is go back to sleep, because i know this life i live wont do me any good.

I just want this all to end..
I want a new beginning..
I NEED something new in my life that gives me that single piece of the puzzle in my mind, my heart that makes me feel complete.

So i ask.. Where are you?
I really need my super woman.

2008 is at an end.

2008 is almost over bold what has happened this year

lost a friend
stayed single almost the whole year
kissed someone new
made-out in a car
made-out on a couch
kissed in the snow
kissed in the rain
fell in love
had your heart broken
fell up stairs
walked into a glass door
broke someone elses heart
had a stalker
questioned your sexual orientation
came out of the closet
got pregnant
got somebody else pregnant
had an abortion
got married
had a divorce
had a gay marriage
kissed someone of the same sex
date someone you'll never forget
found someone you really loved or thought so at the time
lost faith in love for a while
done something you've regretted
lost someone
kissed under mistletoe
caught a shoplifter
been caught shoplifting
got a promotion
got a pay raise
changed jobs
lost your job
quit your job
applied for a job
dated a co-worker
dated your boss
dated your boss' daughter/son
got fired from your job
got straight A's
met one teacher you really like
met one teacher you really hate
found one thing you love doing
failed a class
cut class
taken/smoked drugs
got into a verbal fight with a class mate
got into a fist fight with a class mate
did something you were proud of
discovered a new talent
gave the teachers a reason to teach
proved to yourself that you're an idiot
embarrassed yourself in front of the class
fell in love with a teacher
was in a school play
were involved in something you'll never forget
got sent to the office
painted a picture
wrote a poem
ran a mile
listened to music you cant stand
double dipped
skinny-dipped
went to a sleep over
went camping
threw a surprise party
had a party thrown for you
laughed til you cried
slept the whole day
flirted with a girl or girlfriend
visited a different country
cooked a gross meal
lost something important to you
got a gift you adore
realized something new about yourself
went on a diet
tried to gain weight
tripped over a coffee table
dyed your hair
came close to losing your life
lost someone close to you
went to a party
drank alcohol
drank alcohol underage got drunk
read a great book
saw a great movie
pretended to like someone
saw a movie that made you cry
saw one of your favourite bands/artists live
saw someone famous in person
got sick
passed out on a floor
met new people
played video games
enjoyed this year overall

November 10 2008

It's been so long since i last wrote here, and since the break up..But really it feels like nothing has changed.. and it pisses the fuck out of me. I just really want her out of my life.. Like the past year never happened... but at the same time.. im so grateful.. which makes me think.. maybe thats why i still think about it.. her.. really. Its been .. little less than a year.. and i dunno.. the feelings are off and on. Past few weeks i've been feeling REALLY numb.. but at the same time denying my feelings.. Maybe its for the best. Taking long walks.. with or without friends.. Crazy long bike rides.. by myself. I dunno i just want someone here beside me.. someone to share my romances with, and give my heart too.. But again.. at the same time.. i don't want to experience heart break.. "When you find the 'right one' you know right away, but why does it take a year and a half to realize when your with the wrong one?" I don't even know any more.. i don't know what to do.. and it feels like im losing my sense of direction in life.. I know whay i want.. but at the same time.. im lost and not sure..

Love. . .

.. something everyone goes through at least once in their life. But it comes with a price. Because if you go through it once.. There is ALWAYS a chance your going to go through it more.. This price.. Heart break. No one likes it, everyone wishes it would never happen. But throughout your first love, theres doubt, jealousy, anger, etc etc, but all of that which has downs.. Also has ups. Like.. your first kiss, your first date, that when holding that person, thats where you wanted to be.. Forever. Thats the key word. Forever. You always thought it was.. the first time you fell in love. Maybe sometimes .. on that RARE occation there will be only one love for that one life. Initially when that first break-up, heart break, whatever you want to call it, happens, Your heart hurts, it wants someone else, or that same person, or.. Just to be alone and miserable because you realize it'll just happen again. Nothing can stop that feeling and you have to do something about it. Usually its trying to get rid of that first.. and to find a second.. to help you heal. Now because relationships are NOTHING like those fairy tale books, our lives don't live to that ' happily ever after ' But we'd like to think so. To get away from this 'reality' we have, To do our best to get our minds off the bad, and think of the good. I'm sure most of us have been through it. Some read, some go for a run, drown yourself in music, cook maybe, or play an instrument.But what you should never.. NEVER do is pity yourself, and make people pity you. I've learn that the hard way. But you see, you'll never escape this reality, only because you should know that it'll always be a part of you, That first, will always have a piece of your heart, and memories will always come back, even if you didn't want them to. You try to piece together all your problems, but you'll never find that last piece, or maybe its even the first piece. Because No matter how hard you look, nothing will ever be resolved.

MY FUKING RANT

Monday, April 28, 2008 at 2:02pm

"You're pathetic, you hang on to her to much. You look pathetic. 'Me and Charmagne' Don't say that any more, you two aren't a couple, its only you."FRICK. Seriously. Why don't people understand that me and her are JUST friends?! HUH!? WHAT THE FRICKKKK. Can you not understand we broke up? The fact that we AREN'T together?? HUH?? We are FRIENDS. She is my BEST friend, because of the past relationship shes the one who knows me best, you don't know ANYTHING. You don't know how i feel or how things are between us two. So you can't go around saying things that have to do with YOUR life. I am NOT you. OKAY?! I will NEVER BE YOU. I don't care how many mistakes you've had in the PAST. I'm making the least amount i can. Because if you do it right the first time, its always the best. Who cares if you haven't experienced 50 heart breaks. 50 different boy/girl friends. I DON'T WANT TO. Maybe thats why your cold like that. You got tired of caring what people think. I think if i had more than 10 girlfriends, i'm just giong to start looking for stupid flaws that i shouldn't even look at. I think that if i dated so many girls i wouldn't be looking for that one that makes me happy ALL the time, i'd be with someone who's just right, where we ARGUE to much, we FIGHT. I DON'T want a relationship like that. I know you got it bad, but i don't want to live my life like you lived yours. Who says i have to? Who says shes still not the one? Who says she is? NO ONE. I control my own life. So don't go around telling me what i should and shouldn't do, because i know right from wrong. I have to learn things on my own, because when i was little you weren't there. You were there to lock me in a frickin closet, and yell at me. I was never disciplined properly. I love you, and i'm listen fully. But your not saying the right things, your not supporting me, your not looking out for me, YOUR PUSHING ME AWAY FROM HER. Its like pushing you away from your friends. I honestly don't know who to use for that example, i can't think of anyone. Do you understand? I don't want to be pushed away from someone who i've been with for 11 months. Just because the relationship if over, doesn't mean we can't be friends. I rely on her to help me if i have a rough day, if i need to laugh, or hear someone who cares. My friendship.. FRIENDSHIP means too much to me for you to ruin. So my effort towards her will still be as strong as we were when we were together. My expectations will be low, i don't need to expect anything from her, only her love(the kind of love one friend gives to another) her care, and the same support i give her in everything. So understand, shes too big of a deal in my life to let go. And if you want to talk about her and me behind my back go for it, i don't care anymore. But still don't take this wrong, i WILL still listen, just not about crap about me and her. BTW: i feel better nao. this acutally helped-ed me. now i can think straight.

What i don't understand..

is what kind of friends do i have that give me all this shit about writing notes..
and all i see on my facebook are people writing notes like i do, and lots of them and not getting any shit from anyone..
and its not only that they aren't getting anyt shit, they are getting support more than anything..
don't get me wrong i get support too, but not like them.
i find it so fucking stupid.

I want a love like.

"I want a love like, me thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you type love, or me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself about how I feel about you type love or hating how jealous you are but loving how much you want me all to yourself type love or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name. and shit- I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you and I barely made it out of my garage. See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep then wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type love or who loves the other more or what she’s doing at this exact moment or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts. Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much when she’s not there and shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type love. And check this- I wanna place those little post-it notes all around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type love then not have enough ink in my pen to write all the love type love and hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel type love and (I want her to distract me from whatever I'm doing type love) and I wanna deal with my friends making fun of me the way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love. The only difference is this is one of those real type loves and just like in high school I wanna spend hours on the phone not saying shit and then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me and smell her all up in my covers type love and.. I wanna try counting the ways I love her then lose count in the middle just so I could start all over again (I wanna breakdown the time we spend into seconds just so it sounds like we spend more time together type love) (and also like in high school) I wanna celebrate one of those one-month anniversaries even though they ain’t really anniversaries but doing it just ‘cause it makes her happy type love and I wanna fall in love with the melody the phone plays when her number's dial into it then talk to you until I lose my breath, she leaves me breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me. I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer ‘cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves and I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are I mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough time to love you as long as I’d like to type love and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-stutter just thinking about how strong this love is type love and I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair... Well maybe not all of the hair, maybe like I’d cut the split ends and trim the mustache but it would still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her. I kind of feel comfortable now so I can tell you this I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory, get transported to some third world country just to get treated and somehow meet up again with you so I could fall in love with you in a different language and see if it still feels the same type love. I want a love that’s as unexplainable as she is And I'm married and she's the one i share this love with "

Who I Am.

I lick my ketchup chip, but not my dill pickle. I eat my sushi whole. I cry when I'm about to get a needle, but im fine with a knife. I own over 300 movies ( and watched them ) but probably couldn't name 25 of them. I hate apple, 207CB43D is my blackberry pin. I have a guitar, her name is Evangeline. I love to wear my socks indoor, but once i get into bed they are off. I have a psp and 30 games, but didn't buy a single game. I don't drink, but when i do its horrible.

* 4 . .

one life - gotta live it up
one chance - don`t pass it up
one heart - don`t give it up
one love - don`t fuck it up

Make no wrongs, No more mistakes.

PS. This is not for me, Well it is but only as a guide to know not what to do.



He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out.
1 excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."
2 If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
3 Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

He's just not that into you if he's not calling you.
1 If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.
2 If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you.
3 Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do. If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
4 "Busy" is another word for "asshole." "Asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating.

He's just not that into you if he's not dating you.
1 Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. "I don't want to be in a serious relationship" truly means "I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you" or "I'm not sure that you're the one." (Sorry.)
2 Better than nothing is not good enough for you!
3 If you don't know where the relationship is going, it's okay to pull over and ask.
4 There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he's your boyfriend.
5 Quit goofing around and go find him!

He's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else.
1 There is no excuse for cheating. Let me say it again. There is no excuse forcheating. Now you say it. There is no excuse for cheating.
2 Cheating is cheating.
It doesn't matter who it was with or how many times it happened.
4 Cheating gets easier everytime it's done. It's only hard the first time, whenone feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.
5 A cheater only cheats himself, because he doesn't get to be with you.
He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk.
1 Drinking and drug use are not a path to one's innermost feelings. Otherwisepeople wouldn't smash empty beer cans against their skulls or stick their fingers in fire to see if they can feel anything.
2 If he only wants to see you, talk to you, have sex with you, etc., when he's inebriated, it ain't love - it's sport.

He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you.
1 You can't talk your way out of a breakup. It is not up for discussion. A breakup is a definite action, not a democratic one.
2 Breakup sex means you're still broken up.
3 Cut him off. Let him miss you.

He's just not that into you if he's disappeared on you.
1 He might just be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he's just not that into you.
2 No answer is no answer.
3 Don't give him the chance to reject you again.
4 Let his mother yell at him. You're too busy.

He's just not that into you if he's married or has a girlfriend- Unless he's all yours, he's still hers. 1 Don't be that girl.

Reset Your Standards
A standard is setting a level for yourself of what you will or won't tolerate. You get to decide how it's going to be for you. You can now design the person you want to be in the future, and the standards you want to have. Write your new standards down so you'll never ever forget them, no matter how cute he is or how long it's been since you've had sex. Make sure you know what you stand for and what you believe in.

Call me emo, but 'When a GIRL'...

When a GIRL is quiet
Millions of things are running thourgh her mind

When a GIRL is not arguing
She is thinking deeply

When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions
She is wondering how long you will be around

When a GIRL stares at you
She is wondering why you are lying

When a GIRL lays on your chest
She is wishing for you to be hers forever

When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it

When a GIRL says that she can't live without you
She has made up her mind that you areher future

When a GIRL says "i miss you"
No one in this world can miss you more than that

What it means..

Kiss on lips = I love you
Kiss on nose = Your special
Kiss on ear = I adore you
Kiss on shoulder = Your mine
Kiss on cheek = Friendship
Kiss on fore head = Comfort
Kiss anywhere else = Be careful
Smiling at each other = I like you
Staring= Your pretty or cute
Holding hands = Happiness
Hugs = They care
Arm around the waist = I need you
Squeeze on hand = Don't Leave
Tear drop = I'm losing you
Crying = I lost you

July 4, 2008

So i started school a few days ago.. and right now its going pretty good. And as i hoped there are cute girls. But i think its pointless. They are too young.. and i am too immature.. and if they aren't young, they live FAR away, i don't know if i can deal with that.
But anyways yesterday i got my Alumor Metal case for my PSP and DJ Max 2. AWESOME game.
And i think it was on Wed. I wrote this note here. an entry. And well it didn't go soo well. I mean like writing it went perfectly.. but when i tried to copy it.. It dissapeared. Which kinda pissed me off.. So i thought to myself and i should just tell her to her face.. i told her that i didn't want to be as close as friends as we are now.. because im hurting so much hanging on to her. Id rather be like Chris and her..
I don't want to be in love with her any more.. and we agreed we'd talk less.. which has been happening.. but not as intended. We were only supposed to talk on Mon, Wed, and Fri.
But right now its everyday.. but thats my fault because i wanted to talk to her.. and i needed help with my Bio homework. Which went well. I got a 14/17 and i saw other peoples marks and i got higher than them.
I'm kinda sick of working.. i could be doing my homework.. T_T I have so much. Hopefully i get time to finish it.

June 30, 2008 Part 2 8 o'clock

I don't know any more..
I feel like shit all the time now..
And it feels like nothing can make it better.
I've been trying my best to not think about her..
I think im doing alright.. I don't really know if i want to be with her at all..
Friend wise too..
Its just to difficult trying to deal with everything.. and just worrying about what shes doing, if she'll talk to me.. or ANYTHING like that.. its just heartbreaking and i don't like it.. i feel like dying inside.. and it hurts..
I just wish i could be happy.. being single..
But after those 11 months.. i can't stand to be alone.. I didn't really like being alone from the start..
From the start ive always been looking for someone to love..
Someone who can help me through my life.. But not baby me..
Just be there for me.. And talk.. and i don't know. i just need someone right now..
I know everyone says 'There someone for everyone' I agree.. but its not going to be happening anytime soon.
I just hope i find her soon.. i don't want to be alone for that long..

June 30, 2008

Bah, I don't know anymore..
I'm soo.. depressed.. so sad.. I think its because I'm lonley.
I don't like it, I never did..
Then seeing Jon and Arlene together.. *sigh*
I miss being held.. And holding someone..
Like nothing else in the world matters but the time we spend together..

June 29, 2008

Wow, last night..
It was different, and i liked it..
At first the beginning of the night was a bust.. But nearing the end, sitting down and talking to old friends.. I loved it. Just saying whatever i wanted. Nothing ruined that moment.
I might be a little o.O .. but they did cheer me up.
Nothing could have fone better that night. Well the talking part at least.
They are such beautiful girls..
I almost had a chance to be with one of them.. but.. *sigh* didn't know what the heck i was doing.
Besides they are both taken..
I talked to them about Charmagne and I. .
They understood everything.. *sigh* i hope something like that could happen again.
I barely thought about her. I happy i didn't. And i hope it'll be like this from now on..
I think that its either her brother didn't go with them.. or shes just lying to me about everything..
but if thats the case.. its her fault.. she could have told me.. but really .. right now.. i don't give a shit. because if she wanted to talk to me, then she could have txted me or anything.
But whatever.
I'm doing good right now.. i hope nothing ruins my mood.